Saturday, December 29, 2007

Dad can't you be Grandpa?

Dad can't you be Grandpa?
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I am being 18 from May 1st. I have started my college life a year before. I am a teenager with the same feelings.. Happiness, love, enjoy, frens.... I was controlled when my grandpa(GP) was with us, caring me, advising me- but everything is finished, he left me alone, last year."GP are you listening me ? .... I am alone ,completely .Plz come back. I need you."

I used to feel like "Life is too much interesting. I am in heaven with a god, my GP, playing with me...." when GP was there with us. I never thought that there are also my parents in my family. He never let me feel their need. "GP you were really the great."

GP was mine everything, my guardian, my teacher, my fren ....really everything. He was my heart. When I used to cry he also used to cry with me .. softly asking me the cause and advising me to feel fresh. I used to sleep with him. He gave me many knowledgeous words at sleep time-"Life is a struggle. No one knows tomorrow. You should never study for yourself, study for the
society, the country and for the world. Everyone in this world will die one day but you should die in that way seeing which -Everyone should miss you, cry for you. Be the best person in the world...." and so so .He gave me such enthusiasm and great feelings that I used to think like -"Nothing is impossible in this world. I will surely be "The BEST PERSON " - of my Grandpa." But my happiness, my feelings, my enthusiasm everything are taken away by him forever.
My heart was broken. I cried, cried.. and still am crying but here is no one to cry with me, to feel me and to share my pain.

I have everything but i feel like having nothing. I am alone. My parents buy whatever i want for me ...But why aren't they understanding, I need love, their affection .. The love like that of GP, priceless.. Dad, Mom - GP never let me feel your need .. but now .. i am alone .. blank .. hopeless. I want you , your love , your affection. I want you to understand me, my heart, my feelings. I need a person to cry with me on my pain and laugh with me on my happiness. I need a person loving me, suggesting me, advising me, and caring me. Papa I need Grandpa. Can't you be him, Papa?

People say "No one can understand a child more than his parents." but for me this is only a proverb. When I talk to my parents, they say -"SANO MANCHHE BHAYERA MUKH CHALAUNE......." So so. They just never understood me ... my feelings...
"Dad I feel hurt, you never took me as your son..., when you behave me like this." They behave me like -"As I was brought in this world by them, they should make a good person and I should strictly follow whatever they say...." I feel like they are treating me as an OBJECT, not as their son, a human being with his own mind, feelings, thoughts, wishes....I have got a mind, although less experienced than them, it has feelings for them.. feelings for my own life.. feelings for my society, my country , my world....thoughts for my bright future and I also want to be a best person of my own interest in life. I have also the knowledge given by Grandpa. but "Dad you never understood me. You are always treating me as an object, Dad.. a lifeless object ...a thoughtless object." Understand me Dad ! Feel me, my feelings... Dad, you never in my life, till now, talked with me but always talked for me. I need a Dad to talk with me, i need a `Frenly Dad' not you. I need Grandpa, Dad. Your `Frenly Dad'. Now I understood why GP was `The Best' for me. He used to talk with me, not to me , as a fren. He used to ask my feelings, my thinking when he was going to talk for me, wanting me to do sth.

I thought, a lot days, many nights and a whole year about my relationship with Dad after GP passed. I talked with my frens, my older brothers. I asked them to suggest me to remove this `Separation' between me and Dad. Some said -"This is not only your problem, we are at same.." Some said like -"Generation Gap." and so so .. Again i remembered GP, 78 yrs old man. He, 78 yrs old and I, just 17 ..but our relationship was.......I found no word to describe the greatness of our relationship. I thought the relation between `GP & me', `Dad & me' and `Mom and me' for many sleeping hours. My relationship with GP was great but with Dad and Mom -"JUST FORMALITY".

I found the main problem between us -"The communication gap". I reviewed our relationship with the phrase "communication gap". ME and GP used to talk for 6-7 hours a day. GP used to share his `experience of my days' with me. He used to crack jokes...There was nothing that we didn't share...There was no boundary between our talks. We were like a close frens. But when I looked at Dad and started to search the time we share on talking -it took me 12 hours to find the
answere."BABU, KHANA AAIJA..!" at supper time, and that was just enough for the day he may have thought but I need more Dad, I want to here more of your caring and loving words... again that enough words were also order for me- I was never asked what I want to eat, whether I want to eat or not...

The phrase "communication gap" has changed my daily routine. I cry for hours comparing Dad and GP, wishing my Dad to be like GP, before going to bed. When i tried to talk with him in the morning -He was already been for morning walk. At day time - I have my college. In the evening - he comes with a tired face from office and after supper goes directly to the bed. I tried my best, from my heart, but I never, till now, have looked at his eyes directly. I fear, If I was
mistaken again....Dad please Do speak with me being Grandpa. Mom - I need your affection -please talk to me. Lets try to remove this "communication gap" between us. I have got such a experienced and officers, my Dad & Mom then why should I go to neighbours asking for suggestion ...

Dad I hope you are reading this... At my 18th birthday today i want you, to move first towards me with a positive response to my feelings.....it will be your present for me this year...really a great present. Mom I am waiting for your move too.....Please try to see the innocence of my heart, love of mine for you two and need of you in my life.... Dad I need you... Mom i need you...I
need your love ...waiting...holding heart in hand.... Love you Dad, Mom. Your Son.


By:
My Article Published on The Himalayan Times,(THT), National daily
Kathmandu, Nepal

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